Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Realisations

I am slowly coming to terms with a supposedly best friend dumping me.

One of the things that was pointed out to me was that she was a user. This was from someone I always knew didn't like her. (Surprisingly, there are quite a few!!) They are also someone who I have trusted since before DragonPapa and I got wedlocked. They remarked that for a very astute person, I seemed to have a blind spot where she was concerned.

Here's my very thought out response. Bit jumbled, but I'm sure you get the point.

I didn't view her as a user. I still don't. Regardless of the blame she is attaching to me, I don't view her as a 'user' in the socially accepted use of the word.

Yes, she is a 'victim' - she always has been. She rarely takes responsibility for her actions, but I could understand that. By taking responsibility for ones actions, means having to acknowledge you have fucked up, figure out how to change and then actually change. It is MUCH easier to place the blame for everything elsewhere.

Am I doing this myself? This 'no responsiblity' thing? To some extent, I suppose I am. I refuse to take all 110% of the blame for this breakup. Why should I? She has leveled some appalling things at my door, things that I may or may not have done - I certainly don't think so, but it is HER reality and I'm not one to argue with that. I don't argue with brickwalls.

But the point is this. She isn't a user in the fact that she plans it out. She's a victim who responds to stimuli around her. Something gone wrong? Oh NO.... that's okay, someone helps out. Forgot to pay something? .... Someone 'helps' out. Babysitting needed because she forgot she had something on? People help out. Moving house? That's cool, people always help out.

From an outsiders view point, it does look like a user. To my friends POV, the countless babysittings at short notice, the 'rescues' with cars or kids or meals or cleaning DOES look like she was using me. But is it using when a) you don't mind, b) think you are helping out a friend. Not in my mind. That's just what you do for friends. (Well, certainly not anymore)

To be honest, one of the reasons I feel she is blaming me, is the fact that I was no longer 'holding her hand'. I was no longer offering to clean her house, or watch her kids at the last second. I was starting to say no and 'think for yourself' and getting annoyed at her 'pathetic-ness'. I was starting to question her - but I still loved her as my best friend. I saw potential for great things for her, I just didn't think it would go this way.

In order for her to change her life, she needs someone she can blame - thanks to her 'new' friend, apparently that is me. Fine. If this means that she stops being a victim and starts to own her problems, dump it on me.

But never forget. I am at heart, a hard person. My protective layers are thick and once up, rarely come down again. Hurt me, I get angry, hurt my kids and I will never forget.

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