Tuesday, February 14, 2012

LOL's Ahead!!

This popped up on my Facebook today - I loved it so much, I had to share here!!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Loving this blog right now!

No seriously, I am!!

I have somewhere to vent, I don't annoy the people in the forums - who might see a thread from me and think "What NOW??", I can avoid that ever happening how YAY - and if I post it here, no one sees it if I don't tell them  - WIN

So here we go.

Someone asked me a few days ago, what do I have to whinge about. I told them. They looked at me and simply hugged me and agreed that I did have somethings to cry about. But that I was a rare person, because after I whinged, I told her all the good things I had.

So I figured that I would do it here as well - as a visual for me to check when I am feeling all mopey and pathetic and remind me of all the crap that goes on -  both good and bad.

The Bad Since Last Month
(in no particular order other than how they came to me as I wrote them down)

Lost my Best Friend (Major)
Lost my Best friend who then blamed me for all that was wrong with her life
Heartbroken and Confused Children who lost a beloved Auntie and their Best friends in one blow
Heartbroken and Confused Children who simply don't understand ^^ so keep asking, which has the wonderful bonus of killing me each and every time
Rental Lease End/Renewal (don't know which yet - but more likely time to move on) coming up
Rental Increases which eats all of the tiny pay increase we got + a little more
Rental Inspection for End Of Lease
Washing Machine died - waiting for a new one and trying to save the money
Confirmed we were officially pregnant (we had guessed since the beginning of the month), only to miscarry a week later (Major)
Gastro all round
Sick Kids
Put my back out due to rearranging the house (in the process of stripping the house in preparation of moving and decluttering the hoarding anyway)
Quit smoking only to take it back up when we miscarried
Heaps of friends all moving interstate
Arguments with family = cutting contact for a little while
Pet Rabbit died suddenly (Major)
Dealing with kids and grief/life cycles
Friends struggling badly and I can't help at all
Family car dying (needs work done NOW)
All the BIG bills are in - (altogether of course) and we can't just pay them all off with the heaps of cash in our bank accounts (sarcasm) - Money Stresses (extremely crappy year we are still recovering from)
No money if we have to move
No money to buy a house if we have to move
Dryer died, freezer dying, and fridge gasping its last few breaths in the kitchen
Physically stuffed, but need to do SO much around here
Struggling with homeschooling and wondering if it is right for us
Struggling with anxiety about school and my kids
Struggling with general anxiety about meeting new people
Email stopped working, so missed a whole bunch of invites I would have loved to accept
Several attempted breakins - so now all windows have to remain locked -  miss the breezes

General BLAHness because of everything that has happened over the last 4 weeks = Yeap, this ALL happened over the last 4 weeks!! Cool huh?? :(

The GOOD That We Have

The (few) Friends and family that DO love us
A safe house to live in and a roof over our heads
Healthy Food in our cupboards
Clean clothes on our bodies
Fresh Clean water On Tap
A Close family that loves each other and keeps each other safe
We live somewhere that we are safe from war and famine and sickness
We have Freedoms that so many don't
We have the ability to raise our children as we want to.
We have cars that can get us where we need to go (most of the time lol)
We were Given a car to help with transporting Hubby to work!! (Major)
Pets that love us, no matter what
I have Beautiful Children who are the light of my life and the Love of my heart
I have the ability to help out others - its not much, but its something!
I have a Husband who loves me and supports me in all I do
Our bodies may be breaking down, but we still have our health when so many are struggling with theirs
I have a place I can vent -lol
Quit smoking again
My husband has a Job - a good one too
My Husband has a good job he loves, which also affords us the ability for me to stay home with the kids
The knowledge that we can just keep plugging away at our debts and one day we will be free.
My Faith in God - that everything will work out, somehow.

Yes, I had a very rough few weeks. It has been one HELL of an emotional ride - the highs and lows are SO high and SO low. But in the end, they are all First World Whinges. Yes, they affect me, but I have to remember, that in the end, I am privileged to live here and it is my God Given Duty to buck the fuck up and look at what good He has given me and what I can do to honor Him and help others who are nowhere NEAR as blessed as me!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What a Month!

Okay, what a rollercoaster of a month!

Seriously, I feel like I have been carried high into the sky,  then dropped and slammed into the ground, picked up and carried high again, then dropped and slammed into the ground all over again.

To start the month, DragonPapa got a promotion, went full time (finally) and that meant more cash (YAY).
Then we were asked if we wanted a new car - FOR FREE - YAY!
That turned into a maybe on TWO different cars! Wow!
Then, we finally got out of immediate debt - WOOT!
Best friend killed our friendship dead - OUCH! (Mind you, we were working on getting her a free car too AND I just paid for 4 tickets to Sydney for her to attend her Grandmothers Birthday Get Together - DOUBLE OUCH! - All on the day she killed our friendship! Thank goodness another friend has offered to buy the tickets off us - she will be paying them off, but at least I don't lose over $800!!)
We got confirmation of what I had been hoping had been true since the beginning of the month - We got a positive pregnancy test! FUCKEN YES!!! I couldn't stop laughing!
Got a horrid letter in the mail from Exfriend - extreme emotions.
We then had a horrible discovery one morning- we miscarried. :(

And that was just the Big Stuff...

Thank goodness January is freaken OVER! Bring On February!!


I am slowly coming to terms with a supposedly best friend dumping me.

One of the things that was pointed out to me was that she was a user. This was from someone I always knew didn't like her. (Surprisingly, there are quite a few!!) They are also someone who I have trusted since before DragonPapa and I got wedlocked. They remarked that for a very astute person, I seemed to have a blind spot where she was concerned.

Here's my very thought out response. Bit jumbled, but I'm sure you get the point.

I didn't view her as a user. I still don't. Regardless of the blame she is attaching to me, I don't view her as a 'user' in the socially accepted use of the word.

Yes, she is a 'victim' - she always has been. She rarely takes responsibility for her actions, but I could understand that. By taking responsibility for ones actions, means having to acknowledge you have fucked up, figure out how to change and then actually change. It is MUCH easier to place the blame for everything elsewhere.

Am I doing this myself? This 'no responsiblity' thing? To some extent, I suppose I am. I refuse to take all 110% of the blame for this breakup. Why should I? She has leveled some appalling things at my door, things that I may or may not have done - I certainly don't think so, but it is HER reality and I'm not one to argue with that. I don't argue with brickwalls.

But the point is this. She isn't a user in the fact that she plans it out. She's a victim who responds to stimuli around her. Something gone wrong? Oh NO.... that's okay, someone helps out. Forgot to pay something? .... Someone 'helps' out. Babysitting needed because she forgot she had something on? People help out. Moving house? That's cool, people always help out.

From an outsiders view point, it does look like a user. To my friends POV, the countless babysittings at short notice, the 'rescues' with cars or kids or meals or cleaning DOES look like she was using me. But is it using when a) you don't mind, b) think you are helping out a friend. Not in my mind. That's just what you do for friends. (Well, certainly not anymore)

To be honest, one of the reasons I feel she is blaming me, is the fact that I was no longer 'holding her hand'. I was no longer offering to clean her house, or watch her kids at the last second. I was starting to say no and 'think for yourself' and getting annoyed at her 'pathetic-ness'. I was starting to question her - but I still loved her as my best friend. I saw potential for great things for her, I just didn't think it would go this way.

In order for her to change her life, she needs someone she can blame - thanks to her 'new' friend, apparently that is me. Fine. If this means that she stops being a victim and starts to own her problems, dump it on me.

But never forget. I am at heart, a hard person. My protective layers are thick and once up, rarely come down again. Hurt me, I get angry, hurt my kids and I will never forget.