Sunday, January 29, 2012

It Hurts




I haven't blogged for months. To be honest, it was all just too hard. Not that anyone reads this anymore. Empty Space in the 'Net. One boring voice, buried in a billion boring voices.

But I have no one to talk to about this. So I figured, what the fuck? Why not here.
 
I lost my best friend this week.

I lost my Soul Sister.

No, she didn't die

She didn't move away.

She decided that I no longer 'fit' her life.

Out of the blue, she cut contact.

And she cut my heart.

She wounded me.

Mortally.

My heart has this huge gaping hole, all ragged and bleeding.

I am lost and confused, dazed and hurt.

I keep asking my husband "What happened?"

He just shakes his head.

Joins in my confusion.

How does someone go from being your BEST friend - to nothing?

From being your Soul Sister - to nothing?

How do you go from talking and laughing and sharing every day

To absolutely nothing?

I find myself picking up the phone, to tell her something great that happened

"Hey, we got a new car!!"

But I realise she doesn't care.

I find myself wanting to FB her and say

"Look what Dragonett Lad did today"

And share a giggle.

But I realise that she won't laugh.

And it hurts.

Oh My Goodness, how it hurts.

Like a house is sitting on my chest.

I went for a very long drive, knowing the kids would sleep

Just so I could cry.

Great ugly gulps.

Blinding tears and aching throat.

How do you go from a two hour conversation to nothing in 12 hours?

My mind crumbles from the confusion.

My heart is shattered.

She was the one person who I shared everything with.

My Safe Harbour.

The one who understood me.

9yrs GONE.

In all honesty, we did see this happening, but we didn't think it would.

You see, she found a 'better' friend.

"Don't be stupid DragonMumma, she's not replacing you"

"You're imagining it, I'm not choosing her over you"

So I left it.

I had mentioned it.

I did what you are supposed to do.

And I shut up.

I didn't really think she would take my place.

Stupid DragonMumma.

So here I am.

Hurting and lost.

No real answers.

No answers at all.

Dragonett Lass asks

"Where's Auntie? Doesn't she love me anymore?"

What am I supposed to say?

"Well sweetie, the woman who helped raise you,

the mother of your three best friends from birth,

the woman who claimed to love you,

............."

What do I say?

You see, I lost my best friend this week.

I lost my Soul Sister.

No, she didn't die

She didn't move away.

She decided that I no longer 'fit' her life.

And it's killing me